Under lock and key

So I know I’m a pretty closed up person. I don’t share that much about my life and I am mostly able to hold a tight control on my emotions. That’s just who I am. As a person I’m independent and I’ve learned to count on myself first, to take care of myself and to (as I said earlier) control my own emotions.

And that’s just me. It’s something my dad has as well and my mom just cannot stand it. You have to understand that she is a very open person. She shares a lot about her past, her emotions and the things going trough her mind. Sometimes a little too much in my opinion. But that’s her way of living and I’m completely fine with it, it’s just who she is.

And that’s what brings me to my point right now, because she wants me to do this as well. To share a damn lot about what’s going on in my life and my emotions. And in some way I can understand why, because sharing things with people is a good thing and locking everything up inside isn’t good, but what she wants is just a little much sometimes.

Because I can’t completely control this. I’ve had to go trough some pretty rough things in my life and those things are a factor in me becoming the way I am. And now that everything is back to normal she just wants me to be able to open up all the gates and talk about everything. But it’s just not that easy. When you go trough a very important phase in your life protecting both yourself and others by controlling your emotions and dealing with them by yourself you just cannot randomly open up about everything on command. It’s something that integrated into your being.

But I could never say that. I have an urge to protect people, to make sure they don’t get hurt and to shield them, even from what I’m feeling and I also am used to doing that for myself as well. And while right now I do allow my feelings to exist and I even started trying to talk about some because in the end, I have to,  I need to do this at my own pace. I cannot just open up anytime and to anybody because I have to feel comfortable doing it at that moment, not because somebody asked me to. And no matter what, I will always stay an independent person, that’s just who I am.  But I’m gonna try sharing more, and standing up for myself a little more because that’s something I wanna accomplish for myself. But I just cannot do it for somebody else.

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