About a week ago I posted a blog about personal growth. In this I spoke a little bit about avoiding confrontations and after thinking about it a bit more I started to recognize at least a part of why I do this and where this came from. Because it has something to do with being irrational and looking at other people during fights, and the effect this had in my personal life.
You see, when you’re fighting with somebody, you can say a lot of irrational things and you act that way as well. When I was a younger I witnessed some of my parents fights and I’ve got to say I’ve always thought of the way they were acting in that moment as being irrational. They were pushing all the blame on each other and ignoring their own part. Being almost childlike. And then you had me, somebody who did not like fights in general who would start trying to stop it, by using logic, by being rational.
Because I, as an outsider, could see that there was blame on both sides, but when you’re in the middle of your fight, that’s harder to accept. And I know that, I’ve known that from a young age. And that has shaped me in some ways. I almost don’t allow myself to act that way. Purely ignoring logic and only feeling. I always see some way in which I can be blamed and I focus more on that than on the part that the other person plays. And that makes me avoid confrontations. You see, when you understand and see what you are doing wrong there’s a possibility that you ignore what the other person did and by doing that you’re pushing yourself to the side and in a bad way avoiding a confrontation. This is something I guess I have been doing sometimes. And it’s a pretty crappy thing to realize. Because while completely blaming others isn’t a good thing, only blaming yourself also isn’t. For me this has a couple of reasons, let me explain them:
a. Resentment. Some part of you does give some blame to the other person. You might deny it, because it’s a bad thing, but in the end you can start to feel some form of resentment for the things other people did or the effect their actions had on you. And because you never talked about it, the resentment comes and stays with you, negatively effecting the relationship you have with the other person.
b. Nothing. Will. Change. While fights can have a bad impact on people, talking doesn’t. When you don’t like something about a situation or a person you have to talk about it with them otherwise nothing will change.
c. You. Just the impact blaming everything on yourself can have on you is immense. It destroys your confidence and having this little pity party about how bad of a person you are is NEVER going to change anything. You’ve got to take action for things to change.
And this is something that affects me as well. Because right now, the bonds I have with the people around me are fine, very good with some even. But I don’t want to get to the point where my friendships break because I don’t talk enough.
Because again, I’m not the most open person around, I’ve never been that and talking or writing about my feelings can sometimes leave me feeling crappy. But I want to improve myself. I can be a passive person at times and by looking at myself and trying to find both the good and the bad parts I’m trying to change that. So I need to talk. I need to talk when I’m feeling good and I’m enjoying life, but I also need to say it when I feel bad about something, either about myself or somebody else. And by realizing this, I feel like I’m sort of going in the right direction.