Keep calm and have emotions

I got in a kinda argument yesterday with a good friend of mine. She was angry ate because she thought I wasn’t a good friend. Now, this friend is very dear to me, so naturally, it was not really pleasant to fight with her. She said something’s about me which were not really nice and that I really didn’t like to hear. The problem I had was that I didn’t want to show that I cared that she said such things; I didn’t want to get mad and I didn’t want to act all sad, so the only thing I thought I could do was stay calm.

I am a very emotional person when I am by myself and then I am pretty okay with it, but when I am with friends or people, in general, I tend not show to any negative emotion. Or what I think of as negative emotions. I didn’t use to do this. A few years ago I would just show everything I felt, but a few embarrassing and pathetic moments later and we are here.
I don’t really know why I do this, maybe it is me getting older or maybe it is just that I hated my emotional self. I just know now that I feel very responsible for everything I feel and ever more so if I show those feelings.

But back to the fight with my friend. I tried to stay as calm as I could and find a way so we could move past this. In the end, we got to kinda mutual agreement that we wanted to work it out, but then I asked her if she did mind that I stayed so calm the whole time. But she didn’t see it as calm, she thought I was pissed the whole time.
I was kinda shocked by that response, that wasn’t what I wanted. So I told her that I had the feeling that if I wanted to show emotions it would have been anger or just sadness and I thought neither would help in the situation. I don’t think she really understood, I got the feeling that she thought I didn’t care too much.

Maybe I should have been more open about how I felt, maybe that would have been better. It was an argument about that I didn’t care too much about her and it probably didn’t help that I showed no emotion about that she thought that. I do care about her, it was so hard staying calm while my head was filled with so much emotion.
Maybe it is better to show sometimes instead of hiding and maybe it is better to hide sometimes. I am not sure when to hide or when to show, but I am sure that it is both needed to become a good person.

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