A gentle thing I left behind

Last week I got into a fight with a friend of mine, she saw the world differently as I did. If you follow this blog you maybe think “This bloke has a lot of fight with his friends” and I don’t blame you if you did, but to be honest it was always the same person. This doesn’t mean that she is a bad person or that I hate her, I really care about her, but I don’t think we really work together as friends. She really wants to find a reason for everything and want to solve everything, but I don’t think there are not always reasons for everything nor that you can solve everything.

The last time I spoke to my friend this difference became deadly clear; we talked about why we had so many fights and how we could fix this. I thought it would be better to move on in a forgive and forget kind of sense because we couldn’t find a clear reason, but she didn’t want to forgive and forget if there was nothing to blame and no one to be angry at. The main problem here was that we could find nothing to blame or to be angry at, so we got stuck in this endless loop of blaming each other.
I asked her if she would put her energy into finding a way we could fix this and not put all of her energy into trying not to hate me; I felt like she was trying to help our friendship, but not trying on the places that needed help. Friendship is not trying to not hate each other, friendship is wanting to spend time with each other.
She left and I haven’t spoken to her since.

I am sad, of course, I am sad, but I don’t know if this is all bad. I care about her and I really care about that friendship, but I don’t know if we were actually good for each other. Maybe I should have tried harder, maybe I should have put more energy to be less hateable, or maybe this was the only way it could have gone. In life we meet people we befriend them and we lose people and forget them, and if you just don’t connect with your friends like you did someday in the past is it still right to be friends? We change and the people around us change and you how hard you try to have everyone around you change with you, this is not what is going to happen, I tried. Some friends change with you and some friends don’t, you can’t keep the past frozen.
This doesn’t mean it is sad to lose friends, I am sad, I am really f*cking sad, but things happen. Maybe I will talk to her one day and maybe then we can talk and fix everything and I would be so happy if it this, but maybe this it is and that sucks.

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